Yesterday we went to Hannah’s school for the annual education week open day. Each student had to dress up in a costume from another country, then they had to stand up in front of everyone and say something about their country. Hannah wore a Chinese outfit that my sister had sent her (the blonde hair didn’t look terribly authentic). She also participated in a ‘cultural dance’, and then sang “walking on sunshine” with the whole school.
This might not seem like a big deal, but for Hannah it is. She finds people who she doesn’t know looking at her, incredibly stressful. She gets so stressed in new public situations, that she cannot talk. Often a stranger will talk to her to be friendly, and this makes it worse. She isn’t trying to to be rude, she just genuinely cannot make herself talk.
As her parent, I find this a struggle. Both Country Boy and I are introverted (CB more than me), so we understand where she is coming from, but at the same time we cannot protect her all her life. At some point she is going to have to talk to people she doesn’t know when we are not around. Although I know she is not trying to be rude, it is embarrassing when your child doesn’t respond to questions in public, and when she tries to hide behind you.
We are trying to give Hannah skills to cope with these situations. We encourage her to look at peoples forehead if she can’t meet their eyes, and to smile and wave a hand if she can’t actually speak. We try to talk about what we expect in terms of behaviour before we arrive, so that she is keyed up to know that she has to acknowledge people who talk to her. We try to remind her of people that she knows so that she will feel more relaxed.
We also try to avoid labelling her as ‘shy’. We say she finds meeting new people hard, or that she doesn’t like it when people look at her. I don’t want her to label herself as shy and give herself an excuse for not trying at all.
The funny thing is that amongst our family and close friends, Hannah is loud and talkative. Despite not liking people looking her, she is happy for me to take photos of her and put them on here.
Yesterday, I was so proud that she got up and spoke, and danced and sang, because she finds it so hard, and yet she did it anyway!
Hi, I've been enjoying your blog and wanted to leave a comment. I grew up in the country and reading your lovely blog brings back lots of good childhood memories!
I understand what you are talking about in relation to Hannah. I was often this way as a child too, and unfortunately I was labelled as shy. This was a label that stuck with me until I was an adult and discovered a book called "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron. By reading this book, I learned all about sensitivity which is actually a wonderful personality trait that is definitely not shyness. It is associated with deep thinking and processing, and sometimes even with giftedness. It also means taking longer to adapt to new people and situations as there is so much stimuli to process!
If you wanted to take a look at Elaine's web site, here is a link. She also has a questionnaire about sensitivity, and a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child".
http://www.hsperson.com/
Anyway, see what you think. It was such a relief to me to discover this when I did. I had never felt shy despite being labelled as such, and sensitivity makes so much sense when you learn about it. All the best, Kim.
Hi Kim! Thanks for reading along! Thank you too, for the recommendation. I will definitely look that book up!
Well done to Hannah for joining in. My niece was so painfully shy that she could hardly even speak to aunts and uncles, to the point that everyone began to think she was just rude. Then she went to uni, blossomed and came back self assured and a joy to be with.